Year 2009

2009-12-26T07:28:00.001-08:00

What is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing stupid things despite knowing the outcome. Is it because of the repeated failures? I suffer, physically and emotionally, each time yet I've done it yet again. And I don't even look like the type to make this mistake over and over again either. I tried it once in secondary two, and it didn't work. Then I had to go for counselling, so it stopped for a few years. I started thinking about it last year, but only started doing it again this year, last week to be exact. Why am I like this? Do I really need to get help? Or is it all just in my head? Again and again, I do it despite the failures. And knowing that this time I would most probably fail again didn't exactly stop me either, even though I felt like crying throughout the entire time. Damn, I really am pathetic. I know now why my father told me that I am an embarrassment to the family, why even my own mother doesn't really treat me like her daughter. My sister is fine as long as her studies are not affected, so she chooses to stay out of the mess. Right now, as my head is beginning to swirl, I think about those times I failed, and know what is to come... and unlike what is said, knowing is NOT winning half the battle. In fact, it is only the beginning of the torment. I sense another sleepless night coming... because if I manage to sleep through, it could only mean one thing... the impossible...

Time: 2335
Date: 26/12/2009

2009-12-24T06:53:00.000-08:00

I managed to finish an Unagi Bento from Yoshinoya all by myself just now, and I didn't even puke! (though I definitely felt like it) ALL BY MYSELF!!!! Woohoo! Hahahahahaha... my mum only had half of the unagi, and she helped me finish up the fish, vegetables and the sweet potato thingy... and I gave her three bites of the rice only, because japanese rice didn't exactly agree with her stomach most of the time and she didn't want to have a tummy ache later. Hm, it has been a long time since I finished almost everything on my plate. Here I was, worried that I was never going to finish the bento box because everything looked as though they come in big portions. I guess I am indeed a pig after all, hahahahahahaha. Hm, my sister wanted a lip gloss, so I got it for her. My mother paid for most of the things we purchased for today's outing, I onli paid half for the Yoshinoya meal, the carrot cake bar we bought from Royal Cakes and the lip gloss. Still grounded, it is almost two weeks now that I have been grounded without a sound reason, and I think I am getting too tired to be pissed off. I want to go to Orchard Central this Sunday, I have to buy presents for my friends' upcoming birthday. Damn, I really hate it when people don't tell me what they want, hahahahaha. It makes my life so much easier. At least I know that my present will be useful to them. If the remaining one doesn't reply my email by this Saturday night, he'll just have to accept whatever that I buy for him, hahahaha. I'm quite evil sometimes. But to think that I have peopl accusing me of being too soft-hearted. Wait till my secondary schoolmates hear that, they'll think that those accusers have gone bonkers. Hm, looking back, I suddenly feel old. Not because I miss those times that have passed, because I don't and won't. But mainly because I feel that I've mellowed with age. I don't really want that to happen I guess, hahahaha.

Feeling much better now, my nose have stopped leaking, I don't feel sleepy in the middle of the day, and the number of times I puked in a day has maintained at two for the last couple of days. Hm, the mild fever comes back after midnight though, for some strange reason, hahahaha. Do I suffer from some kind of strange disease that only occurs at midnight? I certainly hope not, hahahahaha. But I've got wonderful friends and relatives who asked me to rest well, eat more (even though I'll just end up puking even more), so I definitely do not feel down at all, hahaha.

Hm, changing the topic, my sister received news from an old secondary school friend that our malay language teacher is looking for a teacher for the Conversational Malay Programme. It is a job, so I was interested. I asked for more details from the teacher, and it turns out that it will be held on Wednesdays, once a week for ten weeks starting in January. I certainly hope that there are no timetable changes so that I can take up that teaching job. I need a job, I want to save up money because I realise that I've been spending quite a lot lately. Well, it is not really my fault that I have to pay for almost every single thing my sister wants and what I want to eat when we go out. My mother says that she has no money because she is not working. Which makes me wonder somehow, how in the world am I paying for everything then, hahahaha. I have a wonderfully kind-hearted cousin who gives me a sum of money every month to help me make ends meet. But in retrorespect, that money that comes in every week ends up being spent on my sister and/or mother instead of myself. Maybe I should stop getting everything she wants. Or even better, I should just eat at home more, so that I don't have to deprive my sister of anything and yet still be able to save some money. I think the second option is better. Now that I have renewed my relief teaching license, I certainly hope that I can get a job next March/ April holidays back at my old secondary school. After all, the secondary and primary schools only have a one week March break. If I can work five days in a week for about five out of eight weeks, I'll be able to earn $1625 (before the CPF deductions of course). That would definitely help me a lot :)

Well, I think that this is enough for today. Damn, I don't think I've ranted this much before. But for some strange reason, typing just seems so fun today, and I suddenly feel that I have a lot to talk about (even though I don't). So this is Ciao!!!

Time: 2320
Date: 24/12/2009

2009-12-21T09:41:00.000-08:00

Damn, I really don't like getting the flu, it really sucks. Not to mention its all messy and stuff, with mucus leaking. Sorry, too much info!!! Anyway, moving on, I think today was great. Despite the fact that escape theme park was rather boring, with most of their rides catering to little kids, I had a great time with my friends. I've seen a new side to people that I thought didn't exist before, surprisingly. I took the pirate boat ride twice, and both times, I was still scared, haha. Hm, I think what freaked me out was the fact that I was sliding back and forth! Zack stepped on my foot and I yelled at him, despite the fact that I knew it was an accident. What kind of a senior I am to my juniors. Damn, now I feel bad about it. Hm, big brave zack guided me through the Haunted House, which was okay now that I look back. Most of the dummies either came out in front of us, or behind us. I think there were something wrong with the sensors, because I think that those things were supposed to come out when we walk past, not before or after, lol. Hm, Zack was again stuck with me when ZH told him to partner with me for the kart ride, so he was stuck on amore child friendly route, which was not exciting to be honest. But then again, the experience was great, so not much complains there. I ate like, half a packet of instant noodles at ten after my morning jog+puke, lol... and that was to last me till abt nine at night. Damn, just thinking about that ordeal makes my stomach shrivel up T.T

Hm, it is really quite a pity that most people can't make it. I was hoping at least more of the facils would turn up, but hey, I have always believed in quality instead of quantity, hahahaha. Suddenly feel like going on the pirate boat again, but this time I might just try the one right at the end. But then again, I might chicken out, hahaha. Hm, I was shaking when I got off that ride (both times, mind you). Damn, I was such a sissy. But throughout the whole day, I didn't even get to scream once! I mean, how can anyone go to a THEME PARK and not scream?! I think screaming is already half the fun. But then again, I have never really been the type to scream a lot. During horror movies I just gasp a lot, haha. Maybe because it's more shocking than scary? I don't know. The only thing I am sure is that I am Singapore's (most probably Asia's) biggest weirdo. And it is high time for this weirdo to sleep, because she is supposed to cook tomorrow's meal, not to mention the weird bull is sick! Oh no! hahahahahahaha

Time: 0200
Date: 22/12/2009

haiz, the year is ending too quickly...

2009-12-19T08:53:00.000-08:00

As expected, nothing happened to me as usual. Spent the whole night vomitting blood though, and the sleepless night left me feeling a little weak. My parents couldn't be bothered as usual, I don't know why I keep expecting otherwise. Maybe as a kid I expect my parents to come through for me, since they always say that parents only want the best for their children. Somehow, it is a whole lot harder to see that with my own parents. I don't think I will ever understand why they are doing this to me, because should I have my own kid in the future, I would rather let him/her go out and have a curfew than live a life of a hermit, kind of the way I am living right now. I don't like being a hermit, my friends all think that I am anti-social. Very few understand the kind of parents I have, and most of them don't really believe that my parents are that unreasonable. My mother tried to get my father to talk to me this morning, and at the end of it all, not only I was too tired to be pissed off, I was emotionally drained and had wished with all my might that the cocktails worked. They had to... right now my new friends can't even help me get out of this life I have. Right, I realise that I am being an emo kid again. But somehow, I can't help it. I have to resort to sneaking out this coming monday. I don't like that, it is as though I am a thief. I am really trying to look on the brighter side of things right now, and the only thing I can think of is that I save money by going out with my mother and sister along. But even then, I still have to spend when I want to eat something like Fish&Co... Damn, I really need to learn how to let this issue go man...

Time: 0110
Date: 20/12/2009

2009-12-17T07:03:00.000-08:00

I read about aspirin and paracetamol overdose on the internet just now. It's a little scary, to find out about all the internal organ failures, but then again, my life has indeed been a failure so far. Damn, I can't even be a good friend. An embarrassment, that is all I am... I am so sorry guys... I didn't mean to do it, I just did, I guess... that is no excuse... but this is no life to live either...

Time: 2310
Date: 17/12/09

Suicidal tendencies???

2009-12-17T06:08:00.000-08:00

Why is it that somehow, whenever I am feeling the way I am right now, my mind tends to wander towards the little cabinet in the kitchen where all the medications are stored?? Is that really the answer to everything? Based on the past experiences I had when I did give in to thoughts, all I had was disappointment. I was not even harmed after taking one whole box of panadols. All it did to me was to knock me out for hours. No effects whatsoever when I woke up. Am I really that strong or does god want me to suffer more? Right now, I think it is the latter... damn, I succumbed once more. I can barely keep my eyes open as it is right now... but I have a feeling that nothing will happen again this time despite of the cocktail of meds I had just swallowed twenty minutes ago. I made new friends who made me feel welcomed. But ultimately, I am a family oriented person. I want my family there. And if my existence only brings embarrassment to them, I might as well end it right now. My parents don't deserve being embarrassed just because they had me. But like I said earlier, I doubt the cocktail of tabs I took earlier was enough. Why is it never enough? I read that people can die after taking a whole box, so why am I still here after years? The times are repeating once more, I see the old patterns popping up again. I don't want to go back to a psychologist, I don't want to make any changes, only to have circumstances push me right back to square one. So right now... my best chance is with that little cabinet in the kitchen, which I visited twenty minutes ago... Time will tell, I guess... But I have a feeling I'll be back here, typing out typical emo entries while still breathing...

I want to be strong, I really do. But there is a limit to everything, my patience, my capacity of pain, my sense of responsibilities. I am willing to die to protect my family, but how I wish I could the say the same for them. Time and time again, I end up hurt. But still, I give them another chance only to end up even more hurt. I am a real sadist, living for the pain. But they are family, nothing I do will ever change that fact. I hope that the meds cocktail can knock me out long enough so that I at least am able to find new strength to cope with all of it once the mixture is out of my system. Why must I be pshysically so damn strong? I want to be small sized, it is easier to succumb that way. I would rather hurt myself then the ones I have a responsibility towards, and this is one of the ways I know how without having anyone else suspecting. Besides, I doubt anybody cares. Nobody reads my blog anyway... it is as good as a personal/ private diary...

May I find peace with this cocktail of mine...

Time: 2225
Date: 17/12/09

2009-12-16T07:17:00.000-08:00

I seriously think that there is something wrong with me. But then again, with parents like mine, it's kinda hard to know what normal really is. Am I reading/ thinking too much into things? But then again, I've always been a thinker. It is better to think too much than feel too much. So why am I feeling so depressed right now? To think that my lecturer even wanted to talk to him, and/or provide me with alegal counsel. Is that really necessary? I thought it sounded a little funny when I first heard it just now. But thinking about it now, I realised that it is just messed up if things got bad enough and an outsider had to step in. It happened once before... now it is just a relapse. That's what you get for hoping I guess... I am a fool, always was, always have been. It is about time I wise up, but strangely enough, I don't. And I don't think I ever will...

But on a lighter note, I had a great time with my friends just now. They've been great. But the only thing I fear is that when they leave, I'll have trouble getting back on my own two feet once more. I'm being silly again, letting people get close to me. But this bunch... they are like... I don't know how to say. I don't know how to turn my back to them, and frankly speaking I don't know if I want to leave either. I guess that is what burdens me the most...

Damn, an emo entry... just my luck. Something is seriously wrong with me tonight... I think I ate too much...

Time: 2325
Date: 16/12/2009

2009-12-08T02:43:00.000-08:00

Hm, for some strange reason I have been feeling particularly empty today. I studied ahead for the Law exams today, and I think I'll be able to pass this time, haha. But apart from that, time seems to be dragging. I know I mentioned that I want time to go slower, but only when I am having fun. It's such a bore, I guess, to sit around and do nothing. Stats is tomorrow morning, and I've barely understood the formulae. But somehow, my mood is just wrong. Damn, as wrong as I may feel, flipping through the notes is somewhat comforting, at least I know that I tried to revise, haha. Anyway, three more paper to go. Damn, I can't wait till it is all over and then my break will begin. Yay! Lol, I deserve this break, in my opinion. Well I guess that is all for now... got to go back to flipping through my notes and see which points stick in my brain, lol!

Time: 1850
Date: 08/12/2009

2009-12-07T06:52:00.000-08:00

Damn, why is it time is such a strange thing? It can pass by so slowly, and other times it just speeds by. I want it to stop, but then again, I am not the type of person to look back and regret. Maybe that is why I want it to go slower, so that I have more time to enjoy it. Looking back... something I know I should stop doing. But I won't, at least not now. It keeps me grounded for now, keeps me calm enough...

Time: 2300
Date: 07/12/2009

2009-12-06T03:19:00.001-08:00

Hm, back for an update. The jetty jump went well, and the National Cadet Corps (NCC) really enjoyed the night. Well, at least most of them did from what I could tell. I have jumped four times up to date, but somehow every single time I stood up there, preparing for the jump, my heart will still skip several beats. I still counts the milliseconds during the drop, wondering "why in the word does it take so long for me to reach the water?" but every single time, I enjoyed myself. It is something that I previously thought that would get easier each and every time I did it, but it does not. I get nervous every single time, and I always hesitate and look down despite the fact that when I do, the bottom of my stomach hits the ground. Dinner at the Suntec ballroom was alright, I guess. The fettuccine was great, despite the fact that I don't particularly like that pasta. Hm, met even more great people, enjoyed myself despite the fact that I was on my feet more than half of the day (not counting the hour that I spent in the water). The only bad thing about the evening was that the dancing part was cut short, and everyone was pretty disappointed. But hell, there is always a next time, lol!

Time: 1930
Date: 06/12/2009

2009-12-03T07:18:00.000-08:00

Guys, it is not that I am suicidal or anything. When Fana mentioned jump, she did not say anything else. When I said that I was gonna die, I meant that I am very tired, and will be even more so tomorrow. The thing is, none of you were expected to take me seriously. None of my family members and friends have ever done so. Benzy even smsed and called me to make sure that I was okay despite the fact that he was coughing. Damn, from having some fun, you guys made me cry yet again. I have sinned a lot in my short life so far. But there has to be something that I had done half right to receive friends like you. Damn, I think you guys are starting to grow on me. I don't know what I am supposed to do, how I am supposed to feel. You guys, you are too good to be true. I may sound like I am exagerating, but the thing is, I have been alone for such a long time now, I have forgotten how to be a good friend. So I hope that while I try to remember how to be a good friend once more to all of you, you are patiently waiting for me. Guys, I did not mean to fool you. Everything that I said about my past, and how I feel, it is the honest thing, the real deal. But I am not suicidal. With friends like you, it is impossible to be so... Thanks for everything...

Time: 2325
Date: 03/12/2009

2009-12-03T07:02:00.001-08:00

GOD, I LIKE MY NEW FOUND FRIENDS TO BITS! I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT YOU GUYS DID :)

2009-12-02T04:18:00.000-08:00

I think I have found what I needed to edit in order to change the end of each post. Hopefully I was successful, otherwise I would have to continue this in about two weeks' time, or at least after my MST. Time flies really quickly this time, and next term will be even faster because we only have five weeks for next term. I don't know whether I should be glad that they pushed forward the Semestral exams to before Chinese New Year or not. Well, that aside, I definitely look forward to the three week break. I seriously have never seen my schedule this packed before, and definitely not for school either. I have yet another event this Friday, and next week is totally clear, but only because of the exams. Quite pathetic isn't it? But then again, I am having the time of my life, so it's all fine and dandy for now, haha. Anyway, I think that this should be all for now, nothing much to update anyway.

Time: 2025
Date: 02/12/2009

2009-11-29T03:29:00.000-08:00

Even after many hours of staring at the screen, I have yet to discover which part to edit in order to change the bottom of each blog entry. I AM NOT MARTIN!!!! Lol, I still can't find it, and I don't know who to turn to in order to ask for help. Damn, I only know how to post entries, and barely know how to change my blogskin
Hopefully one of my frens can help, haha

Time: 2130
Date: 29/11/2009

2009-11-28T02:38:00.000-08:00

I finally managed to change and edit my blogskin successfully, but there is one minor thing that I still don't know how to change. The creator of the blogskin signed off his name at the bottom of every single entry, and it ends up like Mike is the one who wrote the entries instead of me, Shida, haha! Anyway, going to grab a quick shower now before comin back to see if I can edit that last bit :)

Time: 1845
Date: 28/11/2009

2009-11-28T01:36:00.000-08:00

Why is it that some people refuse to see that each and every one of us are unique and hence our own way of doing things? Why must they insist that everyone else conform to their own way, to their own thinking? That is just not fair! When I want to have my way, even I will try to see from other people's point of view. There is no point trying to change 'people's way of life' just because they can't do what you want them to do! Damn! It is highly infuriating to try and reason calmly with that kind of people when all you feel is his neck in your hands, seriously. I am going to knock some sense into a person that I know who falls into those highly irritating category, but I have a feeling that I might be unsuccessful...

Time: 1750
Date:28/11/2009

2009-11-20T07:03:00.000-08:00

Today is the day I became a real MAN, hahahaha. I donated blood for the very first time in my life just now. I had wanted to do so earlier, but at seventeen you still need parental consent, which I think is a waste of time since it is my blood and not theirs. So in the spur of the moment, I went to donate my blood, since I can't attend the charity swim I had been training to take part in, and felt a fraction better, haha. But for some strange reason, ever since the blood donation, I have been feeling high. It's like some kind of drug, and even after ten hours I am still high, haha. It was damn cool, watching the packet fill up with blood within five minutes. I am so going to do it again after three months :)

Time: 2320
Date: 20/11/2009

2009-11-16T06:17:00.000-08:00

Oh my god, a few of the kids (lol, I am still a kid myself) found me and added me on Facebook. Since I saw the emails this morning, it was good enough to make my day. Damn, if i could do it all over again, i would despite the swollen feet and ankles. I don't give a damn about the CCA points either, I wouldn't mind being a leader to those people for nothing :) Such a nice bunch, haha. The INSPIRA facilitators were having a chat on facebook, and more or less jammed my email inbox with over two hundred emails!!! But everything was god damned worth it!

Time: 2225
Date: 16/11/09

2009-11-15T04:51:00.000-08:00

Hm, finally ESCAPADE is over. Damn, despite the fact that I am so tired that my feet are swollen, I want to do it all over again. I owe that to the group that was assigned to me, they were the most receptive and cooperative group that had been assigned to me in my life. I had the best time in like, forever, haha. To quote a couple of them, I had 'a ball of a time' :D I am really going to miss them, and ESCAPADE, I am sure of it. I have that stupid habit of getting attached to those assigned to me during camps, and then when it is time for us to part it tears me up inside. Damn, it is a really bad habitto have, but then again, I am not sure whether I would want to get rid of this particular habit of mine. Having more friends and wonderful memories never hurt. After all, the reason why it bothers me is because I will miss having the good times, knowing that it might not be possible to have the same experience in the future. Anyway, I think that I will be going to sleep early tonight for once, considering I only had three hours of sleep before going out twice. I really should learn how to rest longer, haha. Anyway, that should be all for now, not that I am going straigt to bed. But I do want to do other things, haha. Till next time, Ciao!!!

Time: 2105
Date: 15/11/09

2009-11-06T18:26:00.000-08:00

Ah, I have never had a more busy week before. And what is worse is that next week is going to be even more so. But hey, I have a good feeling about this, haha. I guess being busy makes me feel wanted, for some strange and awkward reason. Hm, apart from that, nothing much. A wonderful friend of mine managed to talk me into joing SP Acers, a marketing team for my polytechnic, I guess. Initially I did not want to join, too much commitment and I prefer 'freelancing' haha. But then there are so many wonderful people in the Acers, and I can't help but feel that I want to be a part of that :) Nothing else to say for now, so I shall stop here. Have yet to change my background and given my schedule, I don't think it would be anytime soon. Anyway, ciao for now!

Time: 1035
Date: 07/11/2009

2009-11-03T06:13:00.000-08:00

I think that I am going to change my blogskin. It seems that I cannot access my past entries simply because I had failed to check and see if the blogskin I picked the last time had the "archive" or not. Not to mention the fact that I had searced for a sunrise skin, but ended up with one looking like a gloomy sunset instead. Apart from that, I don't really have much to update. I have been too busy, it is only Tuesday but somehow I feel that more than half of the week has gone by. I was home late yesterday and today, and tomorrow I have to go for some training after school as well. I'll be home late on Thursday, and Friday as well... Damn, I think my timetable is too full... but hey, I am still enjoying myself, so it's fine for now, I think, haha. Anyway, I think I have to go off for now, I have an early class tomorrow. I am definitely looking forward to my new blogskin!!

Time: 2220
Date: 03/11/2009

2009-10-31T19:50:00.000-07:00

I seriously have never had such a full schedule in my school life before. But somehow, I actually like it, apart from the fact that I only have Saturdays if I want to go out and relax. But hell, who cares? I am having fun, really. Hm, I started jogging pretty recently (though I absolutely dislike it) simply because there is a swimming event coming up and I am taking part in it. Well, Next Wednesday will be the official day I get back into the pool, and based on that I will have to changed my training program to suit my swimming. Damn, after more than five years of not exercising properly, my stamina simply flew out of the window. I am working hard, because if I don't then my team mates would have to work twice as hard to cover for me, and that is not very nice. But then again, there is the Leo pride that I have in me, I need to succeed in something I enjoy so much. Besides, this event is a good excuse for me to start swimming once more, charity is always a good excuse to do anything :) well, apart from that, I don't really have much else to blog about, I guess. I have finally gotten over HIM (or at least I am not thinking about him romantically anymore). He's just a friend to me, so it's a lot less complicated. I dislike complications when it comes to relationships (actually I just prefer not to be in one). I guess that should be all for now. I'll come back later for a more detailed update ;) till then, ciao!

Time: 1100
Date:" 01/11/2009

2009-10-17T10:14:00.000-07:00

Oh my god, it literally has been months since I last blogged. Haha, needless to say, by now I have completed my internship program, and hey, I AM ALIVE!!!!!!!!! Hahaha... actually it wasn't so bad after all, though the last month is quite slow since I hardly have any work to do. I extended for two weeks, and right now I seriously trying to find out what happened to the remainder of my holiday. I can't believe it, just like that, two weeks have gone *poof*... ah, life is passing me by too quickly! The next thing I know, I already am on my deathbed :) It is officially Sunday now, so I can say the following: "SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW?!" Damn, life's too short, so I will try to look forward to a tight schedule LOL!! Other than the internship, my life had been pretty evenless...

Well, I think I am lying when I say that life has been eventless. It's just that I am still trying to process what happened. Hm, just like what my sister said, you can't change the way you lived, the people you know, who you have as family in a blink of an eye. Actually, she just said "I can't suddenly have a brother when I have been living without one for the past ten years" I feel that what she said is true. But hey, I am tired of being the sentinel all the time, you know. I need someone to get my back too, once in a while. It is too tiring for a girl to be an older sibling, especially when the younger one is a girl as well (the girly girl type is the worst, I tell you!!) He's still under probation, and I hope he makes it, lol! Anyway, I think I shall stop for now...

Time: 0135
Date: 18/10/2009

2009-08-21T23:09:00.000-07:00

Wow, it had been a very long time since I last posted an entry. I guess everything is weel at work. At home is a different stroy though. I am not talking as much to my mother as I used to be. I don't know why, but ever since my eighteenth birthday I have felt that I have run out of things to say to her. I mean, not that I used to tell her much anyway, just what happened during work and stuff. But after a while, the work in the office became repeated, so I realised that I was just repeating the same old, same old to her over and over again. That is such a waste of saliva, so I guess I just... stopped. Life is so much easier when I keep my mouth shut. LOL!! I can't believe that came from me of all people. My father used to say that even after I died, my mouth would still be yapping away. Hm, the reason I am blogging today is because 1) my dad went and made the final payment for my holidays, so we are officially going to Langkawi for a relaxed time this year. 2) Today is the first day of the fasting month as well. My sister wanted to stay home this weekend because next week is her exam week. I feel like rotting, it is now only two in the afternoon but I feel as though the remains of my brains are trickling out of my ears! I am the type of person who gets bored really easily, and even editing my stories are not really helping me much right now. By the way, I will be staying at Berjaya Langkawi. I saw the pictures on the internet and strangely I find myself looking forward to this. Nothing more than a chalet at the beach, some unwinding time, and a little shopping. Nothing fast paced, I've had enough of that in Singapore already. Though I have to admit, Langkawi is a little disappointing in the shopping department. But I guess I can't go on a shopping trip on all of my holidays, huh? LOL! I guess that should be all for now. If I have something else to add, I'll return :)

Time: 1420
Date: 22/08/09

2009-07-03T00:40:00.000-07:00

I seriously am dying from the cold in the office. Why must they blast the aircon so?
Three jackets are not enough for me at the moment, and I am so not kidding! Seriously, I am obese yet I seem to be the only one freezing right now. How much more fats do I need to pile on?! My fingers can barely move, I think they are semi frozen, lol. But then again, I am indeed a self professed hypochondriac. I guess that is all I have to say for now, lol! Apart from the fact that I spent the whole week doing nothing in the office. Tata!

Time: 1545
Date: 03/07/09

2009-07-02T00:12:00.000-07:00

Hm, who'd have thought that the great MJ would die? The thing is, even though I know that human life is fragile, i still hold on tightly to the thought of life. Somebody dying is always a surprise to me, even Farah Fawcett's though even I know that she has been sick for quite some time now. Then it got me thinking again, what do I really want? There's no point being as rich as Mj if I am dead befire I can spend it, right? These few days have been really dull, and today was worse because I lost it with my sister this morning, when I found out that she had not charged my mp3 player. She has her own, including her handphone, why must she listen to mine and let the battery go down so low? I even told her that she is only good at using up my batteries and my money. Looking back, I was way harsh on her. Maybe it was ebcause of the combination of lack of sleep as well as my aching wrist and lower back. But still, it was no excuse. I thought it through, and realised, I may be able to protect her from all the evil men in the world, but at the end of the day, I am not able to protect her from ME. I may be willing to give up my life to save hers in an instant, but I was the reason she nearly died last time. I could have killed her if I had not stopped myself, and what then? Sometimes, just sometimes, the people who hurts us the most are the ones that are close to us. Maybe that's why it hurts in the first place...

Time: 1520
date: 02/07/09

2009-06-28T23:00:00.000-07:00

Once again, I am back for another entry. Don't feel so good today, have quite a massive headache, which is strange because I am completely positive that I was alseep by eleven last night. It has been a very stagnant two weeks as well, since there is nothing much for me to do in the office. However, on Friday my cousin Julia popped by for a surprise visit with her father and a beautiful chocolate birthday cake for my mot6her since it was her birthday. I don't know why, but I never do anything special for my family members' birthday, just the customary present and the occasional cake. And I sae Julia again on Sunday, this time I went to her house when she came with her family (including Wendy :D), and my oldest aunt and her son as well. I have always preferred the relatives on my mother's side, though to come and think of it, my father's side is not so bad either, if you ignore their narrow-mindedness (is there even such a word??) and the clicques. But hell, after all that has been said, my mother's side still wins!! Haha, being crazy to make up for the throbbing :) I guess that is all for now, I shall get back to work, still have some demurrage filing to do...

Time: 1410
Date: 29th June 2009

2009-06-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

Haiz, just because I am the freaking intern does not mean that I do not know what I am doing!!! I did my job properly as best I could. And he was the one who asked me to email the Owners, why are you making me sound like a conniving one by signing off as him? I always sign off as him, since he was the one who requested the email to be sent in the first place! I find it a little not fair. Luckily he talked to me nicely, otherwise I might have gotten into trouble for talking back. I did my search, I did the same search three times! Not to mention I kept changing the search criteria. I even used another program to search, multiple times as well. Is that not good enough? I consulted Iskhandar, and that was what he had wanted me to do. There, that is my side of the story. And I am still pissed for being treated like an idiot who has no idea what I am doing!

Time: 1145
Date: 23rd June 2009

2009-06-15T03:02:00.000-07:00

It has been a really long time since I last blogged, as usual. Somehow, I can never find the time to blog, even a few words. But then again, I have been pretty busy for the past few days, haha. I had wanted to email a senior of mine, yet until now I have yet to do it. I think I will email him as soon as I am done with this, haha. Man, I don't know how, but i can't seem to relax. As in, a full eight hours' night sleep is still not enough for me to feel refreshed. What in the world is wrong with me? I read somewhere that you can try switching off your alarm during the weekends to find out if you lack sleep or not, but then I always wake up around the same time. That means that I am indeed getting all the sleep I need, yet why this lethargic feeling? Thankfully I don't give in to this horrible feeling of mine, so it is not so bad after all.

Time: 1806
Date: 15th June 2009

2009-05-31T01:00:00.000-07:00

As usual, there is a rather wide time gap between this entry and the previous one, haha. I've been busy with manual labour in the office, relocationg files and closing files to boxes. Hm, then today I am supposed to clean my room so that the new airconditioner can be fixed tomorrow. But after cleaning my bookshelf, my acute back pain came back, so m dad had to take over. My mum was nice enough to give me two of her muscle relaxant so that the pain won't be too bad, and I can go to work tomorrow. I got mostly Bs for my logbook for my internship, haha. Not too bad for a start. But hopefully I can improve as I go along, haha. Today, maybe because of my back pain, I've been feeling rather lazy and a little giddy. Could be I ate the meds without a heavy enough breakfast. Does that sound right? Who cares anyway, haha. Hm... there is still a slight strain in my lower back right now, but then it is not too bad that I have to take the day off tomorrow. Besides, I already am taking the day off on Wednesday, and to my surprise, I am actually looking forward to it. That said, I also feel guilty for taking the day off. What if the office people need me to do something for them? I hope not, otherwise I may be nagged at. Not that I think they will, they are actually very nice people. I have a better company than some of my friends, that I know for a fact, haha. Anyway, I think that should be all for now, haha. Till next time, ciao!

Time: 1610
Date: 31/05/09

2009-05-25T00:36:00.000-07:00

Hm, it had been a rather busy week for the past two weeks, with a lot of urgent things to see to. I managed to finish one last thing this morning, and then suddenly time slowed down like nobody's business. I had gotten used to having to do something back to back in order to meet the deadlines, so now that I have finished all that I have to do, I kind of feel rather empty. Not to sound like an emo or anything, but without work to do in the office, I feel like there is no need for me to be here at all, haha. Hm, I even managed to do most of my demurrage filing, so all that is left is those with MIA files. Some files are with Jenn right now, she has yet to check them through because she is currently busy with invoicing. Once she spends her time with invoices, it would be another few days before she will have the time to do anything else. Apart from that, I don't really have much of anything else to say. The one thing horrible about this internship is that I am more or less stuck in the office. My life revolves around work though right now, I don't have any complains about that, haha. I am actually thinking of asking for an extension of my internship, but have yet to talk to my LO about it, so I have not made an official request yet, though my supervisor knows that I am indeed thinking of extending, though I did not mention just how long I wish to extend. For now, should everything be confirmed, I would most probably ask for a two week extension, so that instead of 6.5 months, I would get a nicer, round figure of 7 months. Well, I guess that is all for now, haha. Will be back for an update some time soon (I think, no promises though)

Time: 1550
Date: 25/05/09

2009-05-17T20:54:00.000-07:00

It has officially been three months since I started interning at Clarksons. Right now I am thinking about my options, should I or should I not extend my internship period here by two weeks. Two weeks isn't long and besides, I want a nice round figure instead of telling people that I was on attachment for 6.5 months. I am seriously considering it, but then I have yet to talk to my supervisor and department director about it. Maybe once I have come to a decision, I will talk to them about it, see if it is possible for me to stay on for an additional two weeks. If I can, then the next intern would not have to come in two weeks early like I did, haha.

2009-05-11T02:48:00.000-07:00

I managed to fill my quota of tasks for the day by eleven this morning, and after lunch all the way until four plus, I was busy with demurrage filing, haha
Surprisingly, I can find more than ninety percent of the files. There were two closed files and some MIA, but that was nothing compared to those which are nicely home in their designated files, haha. I found some cool banners with phrases that actually makes sense to me, so I decided to put it up on the blog (though of course, what makes sense to me may not to the others, haha). I have nine minutes more to go, and as usual, I don't exactly want to leave on the dot. Everytime I have to, I feel guilty, for some strange reason. And it is not as though I have a permanent job here, either, haha. Time is going by so slowly for me today, for some unknown reason. But then again, in retrorespect, I wish I had more time, more time to remember. It is more than just a little unsettling when you look back into your past and you don't find anything. It feels kind of hollow, makes you wonder what you have been doing for the past decade or so. But then again, I always thought that i shouldn't harp on the past, I had been down long enough. And before I start getting all sentimental again, I better go off for now, haha.

Time: 1800
Date: 12/05/09

2009-05-08T01:23:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I have been having a rather slow week at work. There isn't much work to do, apart from covering the missing receptionist's duties. Hm, but something happened today that I feel I must talk about. I didn't think that he would know my name. Which is quite stuoid really because I always sign off the notes that I ahve to pass to him. And no, they are not love notes, just little notes telling him whose calls he has to return. This whole thing disgusts me a little and totally scares me. He may very well be over ten to fifteen years older than I am att he very least, and what scares me is that I have never liked a man's voice so much, I even day dream about it. Oh my god, I think I'm seriously losing my mind here! But then again, the way he said my name, even though I don't even like that part of my name, he makes it all okay, somehow. When he says my name, I can barely register what he was saying to me. It was very unnerving at the very least, to me who always had a reasonable amount of self control regarding this kinds of things. I think I should go off for now before I write up a whole two thousand word essay on his voice alone, haha.

Time: 1645
Date: 08/05/09

2009-05-04T02:19:00.000-07:00

Ah, it has been quite some time since I last updated my blog. But then again nothing much really happens in the office, and I'm stuck here most of the time during the weekdays. Having said that, I'm not complaining though. I went to watch Wolverine last Saturday, and I must say, I don't know whether it was because I loved that character in X-Men or if I really missed watching movies, but I really enjoyed myself that day. After lunch, my sister and I went over to Vivocity to while our time away before getting dinner since our parents were not home the whole day. She bought me a full length dress (which I don't know how to describe, other than it being nice!) as a birthday present. She broke the record this year, she bought the dress for me two months and twenty three days early. Hm, other than that, nothing much to update, haha. Guess that's all for now.

Time: 1725
Date: 04/05/09

2009-04-24T02:12:00.000-07:00

I am officially braindead from this minute. For some strange reason, today has been a very off day for me. I can't even recall how to use the fax machine, and who in the world uses fax machines these days, I want to know. Time seems to go by ever so slowly too! Almost everyone is in the office right at this moment but somehow, somehow it manages to feel empty at the same time. Damn, 'I'm not even thinking straight anymore. Am I even thinking? It still is a very long time to go till I can pack up and leave, and I keep telling myself not to count down, but I still do it. i ahve a little bit left from my additional clauses to type out, and then i will get my sorting done and officially start counting down the time till I can meet up with my mother and sister for dinner later. I guess that is all for now, better get back to my clauses, it will be six soon (I fervently hope).

Time: 1720
Date: 24/04/09

2009-04-22T02:56:00.000-07:00

After working at Clarkson for so long (nineth week already), I finally got an account of my own. Previously I was using the previous intern's account to get my owrk done. I was quite contented to leave it at that until Jennifer told me that I was not really supposed to do that. So today after lunch, the IT guy got it done for me. He kindly transfered all of files from the previous account to my current one, and fixed the various that cropped up because of the account change as well. A friend of mine came over for lunch just now, and I gave him a tour of the office and for the first time ever since I started here, I stood by the huge windows and looked out. Damn, the view is beautiful. I can see everything that went on in the container yards just behind me, more or less. I guess that should be all for now, will come back for another update soon.

Time: 1805
Date: 22/04/09

2009-04-20T02:19:00.000-07:00

As usual, the gap between this entry and the previous entry is quite long. Hm, next week, I will have a day off on Friday yet again, this time Labour Day. I'm getting sick of long weekends, seriously. I mean, come on, I only have these six months and they still have to take away days for holidays. Haha, I swear I'm nucking futs :)Today is not so bad, I actually have work to do, so I'm not complainining. But what the hell is wrong with people who don't even know how to reply to a message? And it is not as though I was chatting about nothing, I was passing a message a caller had left! I mean, is it so hard to say "k", or "gt it" to tell me that they got the message? It gets on my nerves sometimes, because I was misinformed initially, so I thought I had to write out the name of the person who called personally and deliver the message the old fashioned way. Boy, did I feel like an idiot when finally, there was a reply via yahoo. Damn, I still feel like an idiot, even now. Oh well, time to move on :) I guess that should be all for now, I still have something to do, some sorting to clear :)

Time: 1730
Date: 20/04/09

2009-04-15T02:37:00.000-07:00

Hm, I actually had some work to do today, so damn, I'm glad, haha. I think I'm the only person I know who is desperate for work. But then again, there isn't really much of a point for me to be here if I didn't have work to do right? I spent quite a lot of money today, my lunch cost me 4.50 and i spent another 2.50 on fresh orange juice. I had no choice, it looked as though it was going to rain, and the place with cheap food is quite far. And I need the vitamin c in order to boost up my immune system, I've been having flu for slightly more than a week now. Guess should be going off now, bye :)

Time: 17.48
Date: 15/04/09

2009-04-13T23:13:00.000-07:00

Isn't it strange despite all the entries I've typed out, I only have twenty eight or twenty nine. But that is not the point right now, I guess. It is freaking cold in the office right now, and I have nothing to do again. I had nothing to do last week as well, and today is worse because I spent the whole morning working on my logbook. That means that I totally don't have work to do in the office today. Jasmine is in, after a really long weekend (for her). I keep looking at him, hearing his voice in my head. I have mixed reactions to that, haha. One, I'm glad that I have let go of the previous person. Two, I don't want to be thinking about his and his black magic voice. I'm sure that to others, his voice is normal, but to me, there is just something about his voice, something that captivates me. I thank god that he doesn't know my name, otherwise I might just be able to give him almost anything he asks for the moment my name leaes his lips, haha. It is soooo obvious that I have been reading romance novels, from what I wrote in this particular entry today. But for this moment, I just wish that I have work to do!! I'm dying of boredom right now, I think :)

Time: 1420
Date: 14/04/2009

2009-04-13T02:53:00.000-07:00

Ah, there was a power trip just now, and for the first time I heard the office buzz, and it was quite funny. But I think I'm beig mean when I said that it was funny, because most of the brokers have not saved their work when the computers went off, so some of them might actually have to redo the whole thing. I was sorting through a stack of printed correspondence, so I wasn't really affected by the whole thing, besides, I didn't really have any work to do again today. At this rate, I think my brain will decompose soon. Haha, I have no idea what to do in order to while my time away. But then again, with that being said, I did not know how the past eight or so hours pass me by without me noticing. Maybe luck is on my side today. And if it really is indeed on my side today, then I pray and wish as fervently as humanly possible that I get some work to do tomorrow. :)

Time: 1757
Date: 13/04/09

2009-04-09T02:17:00.000-07:00

It is almost the end of today, and though it is a Thursday, it definitely doesn't feel like one. Tomorrow is a holiday, and damn, hardly anyone has the mood to do work, haha. Made tea for the first time in god knows how long today, haha. I'm amazed i actually remember what to do with the teabag. The result is unknown, since I'm not a tea drinker in the first place, so the poor guy who asked for it will have to face the consequences, haha. then it occured to me, I forgot how to use the coffeemaker. But nevermind, there's always hot water and Nescafe. Just make sure that i add enough sugar. What is it with people drinking coffee with SUGAR anyway? It totally spoils the taste of coffee. I think the perfect cup of coffee is Long Black, just as it is with nothing else added, haha. Hm, there isn't anything much to say or do, I have had yet another free day i the office today, this despite the fact that I have offered people, even those not in my department, my help. And even then no work is coming my way. Hm, let's see who is going to be my knight in a suit, haha.
Feel like a god damned cripple right now, my little finger has a cut from double sided tape. I'm like, the clumsiest person i know, and it is amazing that i have managed to keep myself alive all these while, haha! I can handle loads of things, punches, slaps, kicks... but never a tiny paper or tape cut. Strange really, since a paper cut is so effing tiny, but it can piss the crap out of me, haha. By the way, almost lost the control I had over myself a few days back, luckily managed to calm down before my efforts all these while were thrown down the drain. Damn, I'm getting more and more random as the time goes by. I guess I should stop here for now, before I start blabbering about something else instead, haha.

Time: 1727
Date: 09/04/09

2009-04-07T02:43:00.000-07:00

Hm... another boring has come and gone again, haha. There isn't much for me to do this month, apart from the corrections for the work I had done last month. Does that make sense? Not to me, it doesn't, haha. I guess it is a high time for me to move on, if only I didn't choose another impossible option. I guess it is the only way i know how to protect myself, haha. Protect myself from all the hurt. And besides I still think that I'm too young to go through all that. Yup, I have officially lost my mind, nobody is going to understand what I'm writing in this blog entry. But then again, nobody could truly fathom me. If anyone could, I'd be amazed, haha. I have about fourteen minutes to kill before I end for today. I guess if I could survive yesterday, then today should be no problem for me. But somehow, somehow that just is not true, today was quite a struggle as well, haha. Anyway, I think that's all for now before I totally type s***.

Time: 1749
Date: 07/04/09

2009-04-02T01:57:00.000-07:00

It's April now, time flies by a lot faster than I realized. One moment I was depressed about having to start school in December, the next moment it's April, and I'm in the office, trying to do my Charter Party slowly in order to avoid bombarding Jenn with more work, haha. It's the third week now, and ever since the first day, I've had trouble sleeping at night. But apart from that, I'm just dandy :) I'm always like that, haha. It's been a while since I last wrote an entry as well, simply because I can barely find the time to take a short break, let alone type out a full entry. But then again, even if I updated my blog, there wouldn't be much to write, because nothing much happens outside work, and even less during working hours. It is now five in the afternoon, and i only have one hour left before I can pack up and leave, so I guess I better stop blogging now and go back to my work, hehe.

Date: 02/04/09
Time: 1702

2009-03-25T22:14:00.000-07:00

Ah, finally I'm back for another entry, haha. I've been playing games during my lunch break for the past few days, haha. Not that I'm addicted or anything, I just feel so bored. Two hours, minus about thirty to forty mins for me to buy and eat my lunch, I have more than an hour to kill. I can only read so many books before I lose interest, haha. Hm, it is almost the end of the second week now, so only three more weeks to go. For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, you don't to know, haha. But on the other hand, I have no idea why I'm counting down. It is not supposed to matter, not to me anyway. But oh well, since I'm already doing it, I might just as well admit that I'm the biggest idiot I know, I never practice what I preach and I am a hopeless when it comes to myself. Hm, I think my energy level should have gone up in the games that I am playing, so that's all for now, haha.

Date: 26/03/09
Time: 1320

2009-03-18T02:46:00.001-07:00

Haha, finally I got time to rush out a post. I have nothing much left to do today, and I think I really need to get this off my chest before i explode. He's gone now, but somehow, even more present than ever before. Is that even remotely possible? How can someone be absent, yet remain right there in front of you as though he has been there all these while? I am going crazy, aren't I? It's been official I guess, for a very long time now (that I'm crazy), just that I've always been sane and matured when it comes to matters like this. Guess I've been hit harder than before this time. And that is why I never develop bonds with anybody, such bonds hurt when you least expet them to, and what is worse it that they are for life. Guess that is all for now, I've got to go before somebody scolds me, haha.

Time: 1750
Date: 18/03/2009

2009-03-15T22:09:00.000-07:00

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end.
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
'Tomorrow' I say! 'I will call on Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him.'
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
'Here's a telegram sir,' 'Jim died today.'
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself.
Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.
Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.
Seize the day. Never have regrets.
And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped
make you the person that you are today.

2009-03-13T06:36:00.000-07:00

Busy Busy Dizzy!! That was how things were for the past two or three weeks, haha. Now I'll be all alone, left to fend for myself after my senior leaves the company. Today was her last day, and she tried to show me everything she could before she left, god bless her, haha. I've been so busy, I barely have time to do anything else, and even lesser energy to do anything at all, haha. I just dyed my hair a darker shade, and it suits me much better, I think, haha. That's what my sis and mum said too... maybe they are just trying to make me feel good, haha! Although I haven't blogged in a very long time, somehow I have nothing much to say now. I'm going to rest, then tomorrow I'll be fresh for a day out with a friend of mine. It's been a while since I saw him, hope he remembers me, haha!
**Why do you keep coming back to me whenever I've decided to get over you...**

Time: 2150
Date: 13/03/2009

2009-02-26T21:35:00.000-08:00

Haha, I'm back for another entry! This time I'm still in the office, with nothing better to do other than, well... blog!! I'm quite torn right now. On one hand, a part of me really wish that I only have an hour for lunch. But if that was the case, then I might not have enough time for a proper meal and knowing me, I might just skip like before. But then two hours for a break does seem a little too long, especially when time seems to pass by so slowly the moment I step into the office. So right now I'm just rotting away at the desk I share with my senior. Had sliced fish beehoon soup for lunch today, and it was not that nice, so I'm pretty disappointed, haha! Bought a cute little pandan chiffon cake for my sister, as as well a double chocolate muffin. Damn, I think I'm overindulgent when it comes to her, haha. Anyway, I think that should be all for now, I feel like going to other websites, haha!
*He's still weighing down my thoughts and taking up precious space in my mind!!!*

Time: 1342
Date: 27/02/2009

2009-02-24T06:01:00.000-08:00

I have oficially started my attachment!! Haha, I actually started yesterday, but some how could not find the time to blog about how my first day has been because I was too tired, haha. Don't get me wrong, I'm still tired now, since I only got back at half past seven just now, haha. The first day was quite ok, learnt quite afew things within the first few hours, actually. All in all, yesterday I did some sorting(which is not easy considering the huge stack of papers, and that it had to be alphabetized, then by date and time the document was received), filing, and last, but definitely not the least, I drafted my very first C/P with the guidance of my poly senior,Sze Yun, haha. For those who have no idea what C/P is, it stands for Charter Party, haha! Today I learnt how to create a file cover page, how to transfer calls, and how to file the closed files, haha. My classmate was right when she said that there were quite a few cute guys there at Clarkson, but then again, they are not really my type. Too old, haha! But they are all very nice people, and I sincerely hope that my internship goes smoothly. *Missing HIM terribly*

Time: 2210
Date: 24/02/2009

2009-02-20T04:32:00.000-08:00

I've thought about it, and I realised that if you fall out of love, the love is not lost. It does not get chucked into a trashbin and left there to rot. It becomes a part of you instead. When we are in love, there is no clear distinction between a man and a woman. Your likes, dislikes and emotions become a part of me when we dated. At first they were still you, but after some time, they become a part of me as well. Thank you for all the wonderful memories that you have given me. Thank you so much. When we were in love, you made me a real woman. When we broke up, you made me a real human. Don't look back, if you do, you will become a rock. Instead, always look to the front where you can keep going forth..."
"The world does not wait for you. Instead, you have to open its doors..."
To those who find these quotes familiar, they were from a previous blog of mine. I really love these quotes, and I feel that I have a connection with the first quote. Not a single soul will know who I'm talking about of course, nor will anyone find out anytime soon. I'm a very private person, and will always be. The little bits and pieces of me that I reveal to people are never the full story, or never the full emotion that I felt. Maybe I'm just like my friend the Fortress, haha. Anyway, eough being mushy already. I am happy to say that up to date, I have yet to lose my temper, haha! I got my tailored clothes yesterday and damn, they were perfect for me! Haha, so god damned happy right now!! But I still miss HIM! Okay, enough of that as well, I'm overindulging myself right now... anyway, that's all for today, I suppose. Will come back for another update before I go off for my attachment, haha.

Time: 2040
Date: 20/02/2009

2009-02-16T03:18:00.000-08:00

It's been quite a while since I posted an entry (considering the fact that it is now my holidays). Quite a few things have happened over the past few days, none of them actually brought a smile on my face. They made me feel upset, on the contrary... but then again, I made a new year resolution not to let anything affect my temper, and I survived yet another test, or a few, haha. I'm not going to mention them just in case I take up too much space, or allow myself to get too affected by what has passed. But even though I have not mention a particular incident that has affected me, I already feel much better after mentioning my troubles in passing. Nobody does pay attention to my troubles in the past, and these past few days has taught me that if I don't put too much thoughts into my own troubles, they seem small, haha. So, I don't know whether this is childish and immature of me, but from now on, I'm going to try and stop myself from thinking too much. Not easy, really, since it is in the genes(girls are born to think too much!)... anyway, I guess that's all for now. I'm going to Freightlink tomorrow, and then a few more days before I report at Clarkson. I'm going to enjoy the last few free days that I have left, haha!

Time: 1926
Date: 16/02/2009

2009-02-13T05:42:00.000-08:00

The exams are finally over, but I don't think I can relax that much, haha. My attachment starts in two weeks' time, and as much as I want to be in that company, I'm a little nervous, haha! But on a lighter note, I really am very happy today. As most people who are close to me know, I really am a six year old child trapped in a teenager's body, haha! I'm over the moon with the fact that my father had given me some money to buy myself a coloring book and a good set of color pencils. So with that thirty dollars, I bought a coloring book (which includes other activities like find the path and connect the dots ^_^), a crossword puzzle book and a set of 36 watercolor pencils, Faber Castell. I colored a bird, found two paths, connected a snake and did five crossword puzzles before deciding that I've had enough fun for today. Haha, childish, I know. But then again, it is definitely a good way to escape from reality, escape from my responsibilities temporarily. After doing such childish and brainless things, I felt that my mind was now clearer, haha! I really enjoyed myself today, but at the expense of the rest of my family members, because somehow, I think I consumed too much sugar and was running around the whole house for no reason at all. But then again, I'm hardly known to be the one who can sit still, unless I'm on the computer, of course. Wow, today's entry is a really long one! Maybe it is to make up for the lost time, haha! I've hardly blogged at all during the exam week, but then again, who would? Haha, I hope I really enjoy my one week break, because I only have that one week before I report at Clarkson. I guess that's all for today from this childish teenager, haha!

Time: 2152
Date: 13/02/2009

2009-02-07T20:40:00.000-08:00

Haha, I'm back for another entry! Yesterday was definitely the best time I've had at a relative's house in a VERY long time, haha. Nope, I did not go over to my father's sie. Instead, I went over to my mother's eldest brother's house(quite a mouthful there, haha!). My cousins are a fun bunch to hang out with, and I was even reluctant to go home when my mum suggested it, I liked them that much, haha! I'm actually quite relaxed this time despite it being my year end exams because for some strange reason there is a lot of time in between for me to study. Maybe because I have finished one module, and another module does not require me to sit for a written paper this time. Oh well, I'm going to take things in my stride. I'm quite sure that stress will come to me in bucketfuls, once I start my attachment in about two weeks' time, haha! A part of me is scared, but another part of me is feeling rather excited about the whole thing, haha! Anyway, that should be about all for now, going to join my sister for a nice lunch now ^_^

Time: 1247
Date: 08/02/2009

2009-02-03T17:27:00.000-08:00

Right now I'm in my I.T for Shipping Business class, and because I have finished my part for the group project, I have nothing left to do. Attachment is going to start very soon, and for the first time in my life, I am actually looking forward to something, haha. I don't know why, but I am so afraid of disappointments. One would think that after all the disappointments I was made to go through, I would have gotten used to it by now. But I'm not, and every single day, I get reminded of how disappointment feels like, but I brush it aside. That's what we're supposed to do when we fall, right? Pick ourselves up and brush off before moving on... haha, today I sound very emo. But the truth is, I'm just plain bored and when there is nothing for me to do, my past catches up with me. That's the real reason why i'm always on the move, if not with school, then i would drag my mother and my sister out. It is easier to preoccupy myself with everything else, just for that momentary escape. Haha, pathetic, I know. But what is worse is that despite all my efforts, I still can't push HIM out of my mind!!! But like I said before, as long as he's happy and contented so will I be, haha. Just wanted to get that off my chest for now, haha... off to do some last minute research now :)

Time: 0945

2009-02-03T03:51:00.000-08:00

It is now February, and I have yet to lose my temper even once, haha! Quite an achievement for someone who practically has fire running through her veins! Haha, feeling quite good right now, despite the fact that next week is my ICA. But then again, I have already finished my revision for one module, so I only have about three more modules to study for, because one of the modules actually is nothing but a presentation, and I am quite confident of my speaking skills, since I talk all the time, haha. I heard that the company that interviewed me, Clarkson, has selected me. But then again, the lady had said that she would(??) call us if we were successful, and I have yet to receive her call. So though I am happy to hear the news, a part of me is actually praying with all my might that it is not a false alarm. It would mean a huge disappointment to me if it was indeed a false alarm! But on a lighter note, my mother bought me TWO slices of cake just now, a dark chocolate truffle and an american brownie, haha! I'm really going to enjoy myself later, eating those cake slices!
P.S: The GW is still bothering me!!! Too cut off from the other people around... I just don't want GW to get hurt, the way I did...

Time: 1958
Date: 03/02/2009

2009-02-01T05:38:00.000-08:00

Haha, I'm back for another update on my life. I went for an interview at Clarkson on Friday, and that interview made me realise just how much I want that spot!!! But then again, I hope the rest of my friends get in too. Why are they looking for one gal? Can't they just like... accept all three? Haha, wishful thinking here... but as long as I'm dreaming, I want GW to open up to me. What is there not to trust? GW is the only person who does not trust me enough, everyone else seems to treat me like a free psychologist or psychiatrist or something, haha. Not that I mind, I like being there for my friends when they are in some kind of a dilemma. But then again, people come to me with relationship problems most of the time, haha. Do I look like Doctor Love?? Haha! But in truth, I don't mind because relationships tend to make someone lose their objective, and that is where I step in, I think, haha. Oh GW, please don't shut me out anymore!!!

Time: 2158
Date: 01/02/2009

2009-01-29T06:20:00.000-08:00

Okay, I don't really know why I'm still awake right now when I'm dead tired, haha. Maybe it's because I have some things on my mind which really bothers me. One of the major things, possibly the biggest one right at this very moment is the fact that one of my friends whom I respect is actually nothing but a great brick wall, very much like the Great Wall of China, haha. I may sound light hearted and stuff, but talking to that friend of mine really bothers me, because normally I can get through the most obstinate and coldest of hearts, just not this one, haha. I don't think this person is heartless or emotionless, I guess my heart goes out to you-know-who. Simply because no matter what that person says, locking yourself away like that will only hurt yourself in the end, not to mention those who really care about you. Besides, I'm a very 'feelings' sort of person, the very first thing I notice about a person is how he or she most probably feels, but with this brick wall, all I get is, well... a brick wall! I think nuclear bombs will not be able to penetrate the defense system set up, this person is really too protective. Another major thing bothering me now is my interview for Clarkson tomorrow, a chartering company which everyone says is good. Hopefully I'm lucky enough, haha! Anyway, that's all for now, since I have some unfinished business, HAHAHA!

Time: 2230

2009-01-27T04:09:00.000-08:00

Wow, it has been a really long time since I last posted an entry, haha. I've been busy with smething really time consuming and patience testing, jigsaw puzzles, haha! I realised now that if I want to learn to build my patience, I should have started small, with the one hundred or two hundred pieces. But instead, I bought myself a beautiful five hundred piece jigsaw puzzle from Jigsaw World! But I actually had fun doing it. My sister helped me a little, and I am proud to say that she was the one who lost her temper this time, not me, haha! She's known to be the calmer, more patient one between the two of us, so I guess I'm succeeding. But I'll only admit that I have succeeded after the whole year has gone and I have not lost my temper even once. I have to learn to reign it in, I'm no longer young and have to learn to be responsible for myself. Damn, now I make myself sound old, haha! I guess apart from the jigsaw puzzle, which I managed to complete in four days, I have nothing much to say, really. Other than that, actually, I wanted to say that I would be buying and making jigsaw puzzles for all my beloved friends and family members, because I realised that a true gift which means something would require more than just money, it would require my efforts, my so called labour of love, haha! So all my friends, expect a framed picture from me, haha!

P.S: It has been close to two months that I have been thinking about HIM every single night before I sleep, and I think he is driving me NUCKING FUTS)

Time: 2020
Date: 27/01/2009

2009-01-22T07:35:00.000-08:00

Hm, I'm supposed to be in bed now since I have to wake up at six to go to school tomorrow, but I don't care, haha. Had a fun day today, but I'm not sure whether I'll post the two or three pics I took up or not. Most probably not haha. Am actually quite tired, really. But I refuse to give in to the fatigue, both emotional and physical aspects of it. It is way too early to be giving up, and I have actually put in way too much effort to hold in my temper all these while to be giving up now as well. God knows how many times my patience have been tested, by various people and things, haha. But I'm glad that I have not given in so far. I'll do my best to keep it up, I won't let myself down, and not my friend. I owe him that much, he's and idiot for making me do this though, haha. But I know deep down in my heart that someday, I'm going to have to thank him for this ^_^

Time: 1140
Date: 22/01/2009

2009-01-21T06:10:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to care when I last posted anymore. If I feel like posting up seven entries in one day, I'm going to do it, haha! I'm a little sick today, no thanks to my weird stomach giving me problems at half past three in the morning! Woke up just to vomit, and then was in too much pain to go back to sleep. And then I went to school as usual, and was quite surprised that I managed to go through the whole three hour lesson without dying on my lecturer, haha! I've been trying to keep myself positive so far, and I must admit, today is one of the toughest days so far. But I am proud to admit that I did not give in, and succeeded! Hahaha, I still have a very long way more to go. It's still too early to be celebrating, but then again, I need something to boost my morale and keep me going. Right, I know I said that I will use my will power NOT to mention HIM again, but I'm going back on my word, just this once. I have to get it out of my heart before I explode.
I used to think that I'm strong enough to be contented standing in the sidelines knowing that he doesn't even remember that I exist if I don't remind him once in a while. But I would be lying when I say that it doesn't hurt. IT HURTS LIKE HELL! I mean what I said when I said that I would be happy if he was happy, but then the pain far greater outweighs the happiness! Humans are such selfish creatures, aren't we? I'm going to have to learn to let go, though it has never been in my nature to do so. I'm always so stupid, learning from the mistakes that others made, but never learning from my ow so I keep repeating and repeating the same old thing over and over again. Stop hoping for things that are impossible! Move on!
Haha, after that really very long rant, I feel much better now, haha! People who actually bother reading my blog must be suffering from the whiplash created from the sudden change of moods. Maybe that's why the sea is always refered to as a woman, because one moment the sea can be calm and the next thing you know, the vessel you are on capsized, haha! Okay, enough insanity for one entry, shall save more for the next ones, haha! Anyway, that should be all for now, since I am already feeling better anyway...

Time: 2225
Date: 21/01/2009

2009-01-18T19:36:00.000-08:00

Haha, this is going to be a really quick one, because I feel like revising my marine engineering notes one last time even though I have read through the whole stack at least five times over the past week, haha. For the first time in my life, I studied so hard, I never had this urge to succeed in something before. I even bothered a friend of mine, who was nice enough to take one hour of his precious time to explain things to me, and ended up falling asleep over the phone, haha! I wanted to go to sleep as soon as we got off the phone as well, but didn't because it was still eleven, so I went through the notes for another hour before switching the lights off at midight. But then my stupid nose kept me up until past one, and I was up at six for some strange reason, haha. So hell, right now I think my head is going to explode, along with my nose. But I'm feeling surprisingly light and cheerful, so I think I'm going to have quite an okay time during the exam later. Hopefully everything will go smoothly, so that I don't have to worry about it anymore until my results come out, haha. I have my PPCDL test to study for because the theory test is on this Thursday, and tomorrow I have my Financial Accounting project to do. But hey, one day at a time ^_^

Time: 1145
Date: 19/01/2009

2009-01-18T03:27:00.000-08:00

I guess there is no point in typing in a title for my entries for two reasons, the first being that I have no good ideas for an entry title and the second being the fact that the title never appears on my actual blog anyway. I guess my calm and cheerful surface cracked a little today, because I'm quite tired. I told my sister that I needed a break away from it all, away from her and the source of my problems. But of course, I did not really mention what my problems are. She's not going to take me seriously, nobody will. The only person who took me seriously was paid to do so, so I have nothing left to say really.I have been waking up really early for the past two mornings as well, which is strange because I never wake up before nine on weekend mornings, or rather, morning which I am not required to go to school. I woke up at half past six on Saturday morning, and at seven this morning, a Sunday of all mornings to wake up early on! Haha, to me, it is really strange because I did not even set my alarm. Yesterday night, before I went to sleep, I chatted with friend of mine for a while. He said something that made me feel that he was actually taking me seriously, which is really rare because even my own family take me as a joke. But I'm not going to allow myself to get used to it, because he will be leaving next year and I will end up like before once more. I don't think I will be able to adapt as quickly this time, it will be much too painful. As good as I am at adapting, I tend to falter when it comes to emotions. So right now, the best way to protect myself is to actually stay away from all possible sources of pain. Haha, I just realised how emo this whole entry sounds. But then again, I'm being human. I've been so cheerful for the past three weeks or so, it's bordering on being idiotic. But I don't mind, I guess. Those who know me really well would readily admit that I might just be the craziest person they know. Hell, I think I am the craziest person I know, haha. I guess that should be all for now, I don't like to pour all my troubles into one single entry, haha. Besides, I have my Marine Engineering Knowledge exam to study for, haha. So, ciao for now!

Time: 1940
Date: 18/01/2009

Tired

2009-01-14T02:57:00.000-08:00

I'm busy all of this week, thanks to the JAE. But not that I mind though, I actually find it quite fun to be kept busy round the clock. I miss being busy, reaching home only after five or six in the evening, haha. I used to be so busy when I was in secondary school, reaching home at seven or half past seven. I realised just how much I miss being a student leader only after I have graduated. But it's okay, I'm sure I can find other things to keep me proccupied. I have to be preoccupied, I realise, for another reason as well. It is to keep HIM out of my mind. I am still in contact with him of course, and treat him like any other guy friend of mine, simply because he doesn't know. And in my opinion, he doesn't need to know. I don't mind watching him from the sidelines, just as long as he is happy. Okay, seriously, in order to forget him, I have to stop talking about him, right? So, I guess I have to make full use of my unbendable will for that, haha! Right now I'm not really doing much, just taking a break before studying for my marine engineering knowledge exams this coming Monday. Hopefully I can get a B for this module, haha. But other than that, there has been nothing much going on in my life currently because of my rather packed schedule. So I think I will come back and update my blog when I have more time, or when I have more things to say, haha!

Time: 1910
Date: 14/01/2009

Hollow...

2009-01-10T21:38:00.000-08:00

I used to thank my lucky stars that I'm quite independent and strong, but now I'm not so sure anymore. The solitude cracks once in a while, and when it does, I catch a glimpse of loneliness underneath it all. I have friends who tell me of their relationship problems, that the guys they like either don;t notice them, or is in love with another gal. I thought, hey, such a thing will never happen to me because I'm Little Miss Independent. But I could not be any more mistaken. I guess now I truly understand hoiw my friends feel. But I don't really mind, actually. The prospects of a relationship actually scares me, and I don't think I'm actually ready for it just yet. Just as long as he is happy, I don't mind being in the sidelines, just watching. I mean, I have never put myself before anything or anyone, and I don't intend to begin just yet. So for now, I'm just contented watching him be happy, knowing that the girl is doing something that I cannot do for him somehow makes me feel greatful towards her, I guess. And I must admit, after a while, I get used to the hollow feeling deep in my heart.

Time: 1345
Date: 11/01/2009

Another day... in pain!!!

2009-01-06T16:14:00.000-08:00

For the first time since school started, I missed one day because I was given an MC. My back was giving me problems, and in fact, the doctor even gave me a jab for it, otherwise I even have trouble lying down. He also gave me a muscle relaxant, Codeine as well as another type of painkiller apart from my flu medication. But all three medication doesn't seem to work, I still have that dull aching pain in my lower back which I am able to ignore, at least until I forget about it and make a sudden movement. Damn, I hate the restricted movement thingy. I feel like a RAM (Restricted in the Ability to Maneuver) vessel! My mother said that I was being too impatient, but I already have an injection for the pain, how long more am I expected to wait?! But I'm already back in school today, and though my back is giving me problems, I am expected to end at three today, before meeting up with my group members to do a project. I think this should be all for now, since my lesson should be starting any moment.

Time: 0825
Date: 07/01/2009

A proper entry...

2009-01-04T21:23:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm done with my blog settings, I can type a proper entry. I know I usually don;t make new year resolutions, but this year I decided to hell with that attitude of mine and make one. It may sound like a simple task, but for a hothead like me, it is bordering on the impossible, haha. I'm trying to be more patient, more calm this year. It is not easy, because I'm the type of person who gets irritated at the slightest things. But a friend of mine made me see the point, the reason why it is better to be more patient. He, of course, is the most calm and laid back person I have met in my life, and is my role model, only in a sense though. The funny thing is, I get pissed off whenever I try to piss him off. That made me realise that there is no point in getting worked up because of little things. As irritating as I am, i know my limits. Now that I've stopped irritating him, I've decided that I should be more like him, more laid back, I mean. There is no point sressing up when I can remain clam. Patient people can get things done more efficiently, I think. So, goodbye to the old me, haha! Hello to the new patient FaRa... hopefully, it will be a success ^_^. It's not going to be a smooth task though, I already foresee a lot of bumps and obstacles along the way. But then again, where is the fun in doing something that is straightforward and easy? Till next time, ciao!

Time: 1330
Date: 05/01/2009

Patience...

2009-01-04T20:49:00.000-08:00

Currently I'm trying to look for a suitable blogskin for this blog of mine, so for those who actually bother to read my updates, please be patient, because that happens to be my new year resolution as well, haha! Will be right back!