Saturday, December 26, 2009

What is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing stupid things despite knowing the outcome. Is it because of the repeated failures? I suffer, physically and emotionally, each time yet I've done it yet again. And I don't even look like the type to make this mistake over and over again either. I tried it once in secondary two, and it didn't work. Then I had to go for counselling, so it stopped for a few years. I started thinking about it last year, but only started doing it again this year, last week to be exact. Why am I like this? Do I really need to get help? Or is it all just in my head? Again and again, I do it despite the failures. And knowing that this time I would most probably fail again didn't exactly stop me either, even though I felt like crying throughout the entire time. Damn, I really am pathetic. I know now why my father told me that I am an embarrassment to the family, why even my own mother doesn't really treat me like her daughter. My sister is fine as long as her studies are not affected, so she chooses to stay out of the mess. Right now, as my head is beginning to swirl, I think about those times I failed, and know what is to come... and unlike what is said, knowing is NOT winning half the battle. In fact, it is only the beginning of the torment. I sense another sleepless night coming... because if I manage to sleep through, it could only mean one thing... the impossible...

Time: 2335
Date: 26/12/2009

Shida | 7:28 AM | comments

Thursday, December 24, 2009

I managed to finish an Unagi Bento from Yoshinoya all by myself just now, and I didn't even puke! (though I definitely felt like it) ALL BY MYSELF!!!! Woohoo! Hahahahahaha... my mum only had half of the unagi, and she helped me finish up the fish, vegetables and the sweet potato thingy... and I gave her three bites of the rice only, because japanese rice didn't exactly agree with her stomach most of the time and she didn't want to have a tummy ache later. Hm, it has been a long time since I finished almost everything on my plate. Here I was, worried that I was never going to finish the bento box because everything looked as though they come in big portions. I guess I am indeed a pig after all, hahahahahahaha. Hm, my sister wanted a lip gloss, so I got it for her. My mother paid for most of the things we purchased for today's outing, I onli paid half for the Yoshinoya meal, the carrot cake bar we bought from Royal Cakes and the lip gloss. Still grounded, it is almost two weeks now that I have been grounded without a sound reason, and I think I am getting too tired to be pissed off. I want to go to Orchard Central this Sunday, I have to buy presents for my friends' upcoming birthday. Damn, I really hate it when people don't tell me what they want, hahahahaha. It makes my life so much easier. At least I know that my present will be useful to them. If the remaining one doesn't reply my email by this Saturday night, he'll just have to accept whatever that I buy for him, hahahaha. I'm quite evil sometimes. But to think that I have peopl accusing me of being too soft-hearted. Wait till my secondary schoolmates hear that, they'll think that those accusers have gone bonkers. Hm, looking back, I suddenly feel old. Not because I miss those times that have passed, because I don't and won't. But mainly because I feel that I've mellowed with age. I don't really want that to happen I guess, hahahaha.

Feeling much better now, my nose have stopped leaking, I don't feel sleepy in the middle of the day, and the number of times I puked in a day has maintained at two for the last couple of days. Hm, the mild fever comes back after midnight though, for some strange reason, hahahaha. Do I suffer from some kind of strange disease that only occurs at midnight? I certainly hope not, hahahahaha. But I've got wonderful friends and relatives who asked me to rest well, eat more (even though I'll just end up puking even more), so I definitely do not feel down at all, hahaha.

Hm, changing the topic, my sister received news from an old secondary school friend that our malay language teacher is looking for a teacher for the Conversational Malay Programme. It is a job, so I was interested. I asked for more details from the teacher, and it turns out that it will be held on Wednesdays, once a week for ten weeks starting in January. I certainly hope that there are no timetable changes so that I can take up that teaching job. I need a job, I want to save up money because I realise that I've been spending quite a lot lately. Well, it is not really my fault that I have to pay for almost every single thing my sister wants and what I want to eat when we go out. My mother says that she has no money because she is not working. Which makes me wonder somehow, how in the world am I paying for everything then, hahahaha. I have a wonderfully kind-hearted cousin who gives me a sum of money every month to help me make ends meet. But in retrorespect, that money that comes in every week ends up being spent on my sister and/or mother instead of myself. Maybe I should stop getting everything she wants. Or even better, I should just eat at home more, so that I don't have to deprive my sister of anything and yet still be able to save some money. I think the second option is better. Now that I have renewed my relief teaching license, I certainly hope that I can get a job next March/ April holidays back at my old secondary school. After all, the secondary and primary schools only have a one week March break. If I can work five days in a week for about five out of eight weeks, I'll be able to earn $1625 (before the CPF deductions of course). That would definitely help me a lot :)

Well, I think that this is enough for today. Damn, I don't think I've ranted this much before. But for some strange reason, typing just seems so fun today, and I suddenly feel that I have a lot to talk about (even though I don't). So this is Ciao!!!

Time: 2320
Date: 24/12/2009

Shida | 6:53 AM | comments

Monday, December 21, 2009

Damn, I really don't like getting the flu, it really sucks. Not to mention its all messy and stuff, with mucus leaking. Sorry, too much info!!! Anyway, moving on, I think today was great. Despite the fact that escape theme park was rather boring, with most of their rides catering to little kids, I had a great time with my friends. I've seen a new side to people that I thought didn't exist before, surprisingly. I took the pirate boat ride twice, and both times, I was still scared, haha. Hm, I think what freaked me out was the fact that I was sliding back and forth! Zack stepped on my foot and I yelled at him, despite the fact that I knew it was an accident. What kind of a senior I am to my juniors. Damn, now I feel bad about it. Hm, big brave zack guided me through the Haunted House, which was okay now that I look back. Most of the dummies either came out in front of us, or behind us. I think there were something wrong with the sensors, because I think that those things were supposed to come out when we walk past, not before or after, lol. Hm, Zack was again stuck with me when ZH told him to partner with me for the kart ride, so he was stuck on amore child friendly route, which was not exciting to be honest. But then again, the experience was great, so not much complains there. I ate like, half a packet of instant noodles at ten after my morning jog+puke, lol... and that was to last me till abt nine at night. Damn, just thinking about that ordeal makes my stomach shrivel up T.T

Hm, it is really quite a pity that most people can't make it. I was hoping at least more of the facils would turn up, but hey, I have always believed in quality instead of quantity, hahahaha. Suddenly feel like going on the pirate boat again, but this time I might just try the one right at the end. But then again, I might chicken out, hahaha. Hm, I was shaking when I got off that ride (both times, mind you). Damn, I was such a sissy. But throughout the whole day, I didn't even get to scream once! I mean, how can anyone go to a THEME PARK and not scream?! I think screaming is already half the fun. But then again, I have never really been the type to scream a lot. During horror movies I just gasp a lot, haha. Maybe because it's more shocking than scary? I don't know. The only thing I am sure is that I am Singapore's (most probably Asia's) biggest weirdo. And it is high time for this weirdo to sleep, because she is supposed to cook tomorrow's meal, not to mention the weird bull is sick! Oh no! hahahahahahaha

Time: 0200
Date: 22/12/2009

haiz, the year is ending too quickly...

Shida | 9:41 AM | comments

Saturday, December 19, 2009

As expected, nothing happened to me as usual. Spent the whole night vomitting blood though, and the sleepless night left me feeling a little weak. My parents couldn't be bothered as usual, I don't know why I keep expecting otherwise. Maybe as a kid I expect my parents to come through for me, since they always say that parents only want the best for their children. Somehow, it is a whole lot harder to see that with my own parents. I don't think I will ever understand why they are doing this to me, because should I have my own kid in the future, I would rather let him/her go out and have a curfew than live a life of a hermit, kind of the way I am living right now. I don't like being a hermit, my friends all think that I am anti-social. Very few understand the kind of parents I have, and most of them don't really believe that my parents are that unreasonable. My mother tried to get my father to talk to me this morning, and at the end of it all, not only I was too tired to be pissed off, I was emotionally drained and had wished with all my might that the cocktails worked. They had to... right now my new friends can't even help me get out of this life I have. Right, I realise that I am being an emo kid again. But somehow, I can't help it. I have to resort to sneaking out this coming monday. I don't like that, it is as though I am a thief. I am really trying to look on the brighter side of things right now, and the only thing I can think of is that I save money by going out with my mother and sister along. But even then, I still have to spend when I want to eat something like Fish&Co... Damn, I really need to learn how to let this issue go man...

Time: 0110
Date: 20/12/2009

Shida | 8:53 AM | comments

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I read about aspirin and paracetamol overdose on the internet just now. It's a little scary, to find out about all the internal organ failures, but then again, my life has indeed been a failure so far. Damn, I can't even be a good friend. An embarrassment, that is all I am... I am so sorry guys... I didn't mean to do it, I just did, I guess... that is no excuse... but this is no life to live either...

Time: 2310
Date: 17/12/09

Shida | 7:03 AM | comments

Why is it that somehow, whenever I am feeling the way I am right now, my mind tends to wander towards the little cabinet in the kitchen where all the medications are stored?? Is that really the answer to everything? Based on the past experiences I had when I did give in to thoughts, all I had was disappointment. I was not even harmed after taking one whole box of panadols. All it did to me was to knock me out for hours. No effects whatsoever when I woke up. Am I really that strong or does god want me to suffer more? Right now, I think it is the latter... damn, I succumbed once more. I can barely keep my eyes open as it is right now... but I have a feeling that nothing will happen again this time despite of the cocktail of meds I had just swallowed twenty minutes ago. I made new friends who made me feel welcomed. But ultimately, I am a family oriented person. I want my family there. And if my existence only brings embarrassment to them, I might as well end it right now. My parents don't deserve being embarrassed just because they had me. But like I said earlier, I doubt the cocktail of tabs I took earlier was enough. Why is it never enough? I read that people can die after taking a whole box, so why am I still here after years? The times are repeating once more, I see the old patterns popping up again. I don't want to go back to a psychologist, I don't want to make any changes, only to have circumstances push me right back to square one. So right now... my best chance is with that little cabinet in the kitchen, which I visited twenty minutes ago... Time will tell, I guess... But I have a feeling I'll be back here, typing out typical emo entries while still breathing...

I want to be strong, I really do. But there is a limit to everything, my patience, my capacity of pain, my sense of responsibilities. I am willing to die to protect my family, but how I wish I could the say the same for them. Time and time again, I end up hurt. But still, I give them another chance only to end up even more hurt. I am a real sadist, living for the pain. But they are family, nothing I do will ever change that fact. I hope that the meds cocktail can knock me out long enough so that I at least am able to find new strength to cope with all of it once the mixture is out of my system. Why must I be pshysically so damn strong? I want to be small sized, it is easier to succumb that way. I would rather hurt myself then the ones I have a responsibility towards, and this is one of the ways I know how without having anyone else suspecting. Besides, I doubt anybody cares. Nobody reads my blog anyway... it is as good as a personal/ private diary...

May I find peace with this cocktail of mine...

Time: 2225
Date: 17/12/09

Suicidal tendencies???

Shida | 6:08 AM | comments

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I seriously think that there is something wrong with me. But then again, with parents like mine, it's kinda hard to know what normal really is. Am I reading/ thinking too much into things? But then again, I've always been a thinker. It is better to think too much than feel too much. So why am I feeling so depressed right now? To think that my lecturer even wanted to talk to him, and/or provide me with alegal counsel. Is that really necessary? I thought it sounded a little funny when I first heard it just now. But thinking about it now, I realised that it is just messed up if things got bad enough and an outsider had to step in. It happened once before... now it is just a relapse. That's what you get for hoping I guess... I am a fool, always was, always have been. It is about time I wise up, but strangely enough, I don't. And I don't think I ever will...

But on a lighter note, I had a great time with my friends just now. They've been great. But the only thing I fear is that when they leave, I'll have trouble getting back on my own two feet once more. I'm being silly again, letting people get close to me. But this bunch... they are like... I don't know how to say. I don't know how to turn my back to them, and frankly speaking I don't know if I want to leave either. I guess that is what burdens me the most...

Damn, an emo entry... just my luck. Something is seriously wrong with me tonight... I think I ate too much...

Time: 2325
Date: 16/12/2009

Shida | 7:17 AM | comments