Thursday, December 17, 2009

Why is it that somehow, whenever I am feeling the way I am right now, my mind tends to wander towards the little cabinet in the kitchen where all the medications are stored?? Is that really the answer to everything? Based on the past experiences I had when I did give in to thoughts, all I had was disappointment. I was not even harmed after taking one whole box of panadols. All it did to me was to knock me out for hours. No effects whatsoever when I woke up. Am I really that strong or does god want me to suffer more? Right now, I think it is the latter... damn, I succumbed once more. I can barely keep my eyes open as it is right now... but I have a feeling that nothing will happen again this time despite of the cocktail of meds I had just swallowed twenty minutes ago. I made new friends who made me feel welcomed. But ultimately, I am a family oriented person. I want my family there. And if my existence only brings embarrassment to them, I might as well end it right now. My parents don't deserve being embarrassed just because they had me. But like I said earlier, I doubt the cocktail of tabs I took earlier was enough. Why is it never enough? I read that people can die after taking a whole box, so why am I still here after years? The times are repeating once more, I see the old patterns popping up again. I don't want to go back to a psychologist, I don't want to make any changes, only to have circumstances push me right back to square one. So right now... my best chance is with that little cabinet in the kitchen, which I visited twenty minutes ago... Time will tell, I guess... But I have a feeling I'll be back here, typing out typical emo entries while still breathing...

I want to be strong, I really do. But there is a limit to everything, my patience, my capacity of pain, my sense of responsibilities. I am willing to die to protect my family, but how I wish I could the say the same for them. Time and time again, I end up hurt. But still, I give them another chance only to end up even more hurt. I am a real sadist, living for the pain. But they are family, nothing I do will ever change that fact. I hope that the meds cocktail can knock me out long enough so that I at least am able to find new strength to cope with all of it once the mixture is out of my system. Why must I be pshysically so damn strong? I want to be small sized, it is easier to succumb that way. I would rather hurt myself then the ones I have a responsibility towards, and this is one of the ways I know how without having anyone else suspecting. Besides, I doubt anybody cares. Nobody reads my blog anyway... it is as good as a personal/ private diary...

May I find peace with this cocktail of mine...

Time: 2225
Date: 17/12/09

Suicidal tendencies???

Shida | 6:08 AM | comments