Saturday, December 26, 2009

What is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing stupid things despite knowing the outcome. Is it because of the repeated failures? I suffer, physically and emotionally, each time yet I've done it yet again. And I don't even look like the type to make this mistake over and over again either. I tried it once in secondary two, and it didn't work. Then I had to go for counselling, so it stopped for a few years. I started thinking about it last year, but only started doing it again this year, last week to be exact. Why am I like this? Do I really need to get help? Or is it all just in my head? Again and again, I do it despite the failures. And knowing that this time I would most probably fail again didn't exactly stop me either, even though I felt like crying throughout the entire time. Damn, I really am pathetic. I know now why my father told me that I am an embarrassment to the family, why even my own mother doesn't really treat me like her daughter. My sister is fine as long as her studies are not affected, so she chooses to stay out of the mess. Right now, as my head is beginning to swirl, I think about those times I failed, and know what is to come... and unlike what is said, knowing is NOT winning half the battle. In fact, it is only the beginning of the torment. I sense another sleepless night coming... because if I manage to sleep through, it could only mean one thing... the impossible...

Time: 2335
Date: 26/12/2009

Shida | 7:28 AM | comments